12/7/2008

I care about people. I do it because it feels good, and it feels good to know I'm one of the good guys. But at the same time, it gets me into trouble.

Sometimes helping means you need to push someone. It's tricky because maybe they don't want to face their demons. Maybe they don't want to admit they're not perfect. Or more often than I'd like, they just don't want to admit that I'm better than they are in even a single aspect. In my opinion, competitiveness is a sign of mental weakness.

I have to learn to not care about people when they're beyond my help. It's just hard to let go. Yes, I feel that I've failed them, but that's not what bothers me the most. It's being disappointed. I like to believe that everyone has the potential to lead a full life, but every disappointment erodes that belief. Until one day, I'll be just another cynical old man.

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A big part of what makes me good at what I do is that I understand people. I know their troubles and where they're not succeeding.

I get inside people's heads. I learn to think like they do, knowing how they would decide things and why. It's a labyrinth sometimes. I get stuck in imagined situations and conversations, finding all the places where I would push them too far. The only way to escape is to realize people are not compassionate or logical. They have negative emotions which are not merely reactions to something. They're actually a real and unremovable aspect of their personality.

Low self-esteem. Fear of getting your ego wounded. Fear of getting into an uncomfortable social situation. Gloom. The emotional shield of anger.

Almost everyone I know has an unrecoverable personality defect. I think people just don't have enough life experiences. These things are like a mental cancer you develop when you're not living a joyous and humble life.

That's why I decided long ago to devote a part of my life to role-playing. It's not just a game to me. It's a way to give peoplethe experiences they need.

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I need a problem to consume me. I need an unending supply of work. That's the only thing that makes me happy because it's the only environment that improves me. I need to be challenged and tested. I need to always fail so that I'm always driven to succeed. More often than not, I'm forced to invent this environment for myself. I always hold myself to a standard above what's expected of me. But I can't do it if there's nothing to do, and I can't do it if there's no pressing needs.

It's taken me a long time to be able to say this without being afraid that my ego was somehow contributing. I'm very intelligent, but my true gift is my wisdom. By wisdom, I mean my vision, my insight, my compassion, and my intention. I realize it's easy for anyone to assume that they are wise, which is why I've been so cautious. But the fact is, I'm a rare person. In most situations of work or responsibility, I carry the group. Somehow, I've never minded this. It's why socialism seems natural to me. I have altruism instead of laziness and jealousy. I only happened to be born with the skills to improve the world and the lives of those around me. I'm not special. My gifts don't somehow exempt me from my responsibility to serve others.

But I don't mind lazy people. I'm not offended by their low productivity because I appreciate the company. I know I'm doing all the work anyway, but why should I have to be alone?

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Work is its own reward. I just want to know that my potential is being realized. I want to die knowing I did everything I could to improve the world. Maybe I am a socialist.