9/26/2009

Well, I've just had the best work experience of my life. I was in complete control of the project. I can't help but compare how much I've accomplished in the past few months with what's happened at other companies I've worked for. I've done what it's taken an entire team years to do. And I created a higher quality product. In that regard, I am very satisfied. Actually, I think the company had a huge dose of dumb luck by finding me. Not to toot my own horn, but I can't think of anyone with both the skills and temperament required by that project. Anyway, enough of that. I don't like sounding egotistical. Plus, I owe much of my success to Spring. It's not perfect, not by a long shot, but it's much better than any other solution out there. It's not just a framework; it's the next step for software development, as big a change as object-orientation. What Spring does is break the strict hierarchy of inheritance that Java implemented, which itself was a watered down version of C++'s multiple inheritance.

I was completely overtaken my the contract I just finished. I'm not complaining mind you. It's actually one of my most favorite past times. Too many development shops I've been a part of have ground to a halt because of poor leadership. As enjoyable as it was, a job requiring actual work meant I had to put all my personal projects on hold. I still managed to run a role-playing session every week mind you, but nothing else. I'm finishing up a two week staycation with Carla. We did manage to spend a few days with my brother in Charleston. I finally got to see a plantation, even though I moved to South Carolina in the sixth grade. Better late than never.

I suppose I should be worried about money. I mean, I could see how other people wouldn't be able to relax knowing they were unemployed. While that was actually my first contract ever, in the software industry, there's no such thing as a "permanent" position. The ebb and flow of the market along with all the buy-outs and the speed of technology mean that I'll never find a stable place of work. I wouldn't have chosen it to be so, but now I actually prefer it. I find myself enjoying all my experiences had from moving around. Last time I was unemployed, I bought a house. This time, it was just a Playstation 3 and a media center, which is surprisingly quiet actually.

So we spent most of these two weeks watching Star Trek TNG, going out to the movies, cleaning, and doing home improvement. We've gotten all new curtains, and I think we've decided on which shade of red to use in the living room, which we now call the "TV womb" on account of the red walls. Two weeks go by too quickly, so we called it a weekend with 15 Saturdays. There's only one Sunday on account of it immediately proceeding a work day. Still, all that time off was weird. I kept thinking we should have another Mad Men or True Blood ready to be watched.

This has kind of been Carla's vacation. Once she's back at work, I figure my vacation will start. Now, I'll update my resume and hand it in to the recruiter I like using, but I'm very much hoping it takes a while for him to find something for me. In the end, paying off debts is more important to me than time off. I'd like to pay some things off before I get a Nissan Leaf! I have yet to evaluate my personal projects again to see which I'd like to pursue. When I get to that, I'll post again.

5/1/2009

For the Chinese New Year (January 26th, this year), I decided my new year's resolution would be to pick up a new vice each month for an entire year. I think the hardest part is actually finding twelve vices I haven't already dabbled in. Even so, my New Year's Resolution has been a resounding success. February was coffee. I'd tasted it once or twice before, but never liked it for some reason. Now I love it!

For March, I chose to obsess over how long I have left to live. I set up a little bit of javascript on my browser's start page that tells me how many years and days I have left. Right now it says this: "I have 42 years, 54 days left to live (if I die at 74). I find it motivating even though I realize the better days are always in the past. It gives me that "do it now" feeling. However, half way through March I was totally taken over by Second Life. I tried it a year ago and thought it sucked. This time I stuck with it and got used to its crappy camera controls. The client still isn't anything to write home about, especially after getting used to first-person shooters (a type of video game that gives you incredible amounts of control over your own movement). Even so, now I think it's pretty cool. So, for March, my official vice was "wasting time while at the same time realize how precious it is". I spent enough time to learn how to build, script, and terraform. Most recently, I'm interested in using the Open Source version of it as a way to jump start my role-playing "projector pointed at the table" idea. Too wacky to explain here. I'll describe it to you in person if you're curious.

So, April kind of slipped me by. The first two weeks of it were consumed by planning Carla's and my diet and vacation. We had what they now call a "staycation". Basically, we stayed home last week. There was quite a bit of TV watching, but that was exactly what Carla needed, as she works way too much (nights, weekends, etc, etc). And she got a nice full day at the spa. This past week, we've finally implemented our diet. We've been slowly eating better and gaining awareness over the past two months, I'd say, but now we're weighing ourselves every Monday (4/27 = 245.2lbs) and counting weight watcher's points every day. By the way, here's the formula: Points = (calories/50) + (fat grams/12) - (minimum(4,fiber grams)/5), where "minimum" means whichever is less: 4 or fiber grams. Though, as a guy, I get about a third more points than she does (all those extra muscles), so I don't count points but simply eat what she does, plus a little more. My goal is to get down to 190lbs by January 1st, 2010. That's two pounds a week. So, since I didn't pick a vice, April's vice was either "the vanity of self-improvement" or "not following my new year's resolution". Neither are exactly new to me though.

So, greetings May! I've been thinking of taking up cigar smoking. I've tried it once or twice. I have the fancy lighter and the thing that cuts the end you smoke out of, but I never got into it that much. I certainly don't know what makes a good cigar. I'm certainly the anti-gourmet. I like strong food and drink that kick you in the face. You know, like cheap merlot red wine, single-malt whiskey, and blue cheese. The top shelf wine and commercial cheese and blended whiskey is so smooth you don't realize you're consuming it. What's the point of that? That said, I've never smoked cigarettes and don't intend to develop a nicotine habit. I have a friend that has a plastic cigarette-like thing that he adds droplets of flavored... um... drops with various levels of nicotine in it. It's kind of cool. When you puff on it, the LED light at the end of it lights up. Comes in different colors. That sounds great, but it also doesn't sound like a vice anymore.

Even if I come up with a good vice for May in the next week, I'm running short on vices. I can't look to the seven deadly sins for ideas. I've out-grown some and don't find the rest very interesting. Actually, there's more potential with the seven holy virtues: chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility. Each one of these can easily be taken to illogical extremes. Ah well, wish me luck.

2/13/2009

I started messing around with Second Life again. The first time, I gave up because I didn't like the interface. The interface still sucks, but I thought I'd give it another go. A friend of mine is writing a 3D simulator, and it reminded me about how I've always wanted a better chat environment. Second Life has too many distractions, and most games with chat support are designed for the gaming aspect.

I'd rather keep to the chatting. I want to meet new people, but I want to meet people who actually have something to say. And I want to have a place where I can set up shop, so to speak, and watch people walk by. I want to be accessible, more than just being in someone's list of people on-line. And yet, I have important things to do, so I don't want to be distracted by the non-chat aspects.

I just finished watching a movie called The Other America.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/57634/the-other-america
Mostly, it reminded me of what it was like to be a teenager without life experiences and thus, without anything to say. The characters had their problems in the way that only teenagers without problems can have.

So Second Life and this movie got me to thinking about what it means to have a life, in the way someone might say "get a life". It's subjective, of course, but I suppose it has to do with filling your life with some respectable thing, as judged by the speaker. It doesn't necessarily mean having having an active social life, or even being happy for that matter.

So I look at myself. I'm a very happy person. I live a comfortable life, but I'd be happy no matter what because I have inner peace. I don't have a job, so I have a lot of time on my hands. I spend most of my day, every day, writing software and hatching my latest scheme to change the world. A big part of my focus is role-playing. I refer to the game and not the therapy method, but I mostly intend to use the game as a type of therapy. I see it as something that can grant people experiences outside their own limited lifestyle as an exercise to open their minds. The currently popular games focus on the game aspects, which mirror my feelings about on-line games.

I think the secret is to invent an arena for role-playing. I call in an "arena" because I've used the word "framework" too many times in my life as it is. Basically, I need a simple set of rules that people can quickly understand. Once they feel comfortable with what's possible, I feel it would be much easier for them to get started. And eventually, they wouldn't need the rules.

But is concerning myself with such things a "life"? As far as the game of life, I have a house but no wife or kids. My car is an xB, which looks a lot like the game piece in life, so that's something at least. I don't plan on winning any awards or being famous, like in Monopoly. So, I've succeeded in not incurring anything that distracts me too much, which is always my plan. Maybe that's what it means to have a life, to have free time. And it doesn't really matter what you do with your free time to have a life. Maybe having a life is just having the freedom to do what you want to do, even if it's just doing nothing all the time.

I don't post enough to justify commenting on daily happenings, but I like to through some things in there for posterity's sake, just to see what my life was like. I had 10 cups of coffee before eight AM today.

1/31/2009

Can't I make a New Year's resolution on February 1st instead? So maybe I'm off to a slow start, but it's how you finish not how you start that matters, don't you think? So, here it is: do more. That's right, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I've known people who had too much in their lives, things they've brought upon themselves. At the time, I saw them as a warning of sorts, an example of how not to be. Maybe I'm just ramping up to my mid-life crisis in ten years time when it's clear that all my efforts are for not. Maybe.

I've been using my ample spare time to write open-source software. It's nothing Earth-shattering, but quite useful, at least to me. I have something that helps me keep track of chores, played around with Google Docs API, and an app to help me run a role-playing game, which interests me for its social engineering aspects. I've put together the data design for a diet program, which I think would help tremendously. I'll be working soon, I believe, so we'll see how much time I continue to have for such things.

I make lists of things I mean to get to and never do. No more. I can make time if I really want to.

1. I want to develop artofroleplaying.com.

2. I want to develop the card websites.

3. I want to read. I haven't had the patience for it for years.

4. I want to lose weight, get fit, and make yoga a part of my daily routine.

I'm also looking to volunteer with a place called Crisis Assistance Ministry, which offers financial assistance to those in need. They're looking for someone with technology skills to help them with some marketing efforts. I'd give that a number too, but it doesn't seem like they need much help.

1/9/2009

Vacation knocked me off course, but I seem to be settling back into my groove. My sleep schedule might be back on track too. I was awake for 32 hours yesterday in order to do so. I think my most restful time to sleep is 8PM to 4AM. It makes sense to me, since it's exactly the middle of the night. Last night for instance, I went to bed exactly three hours after sunset and woke up exactly three hours before sunrise. I chock it up to millenia of using the sun as an alarm clock.

I have a flat tire today and I'm thinking of doing all my weekly chores today as well, so today's shaping up to be busy.

Just because I haven't been posting doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about what to post. I generally have certain notions that I meditate on, simply because they astonish me. Sometimes I've been struck pondering the same problem for years. Lately, it's been how rare and lucky I am to be both intelligent and not have any emotional or relationship problems. Most of the people I know that are smart are also debilitatingly insane. Not being German helps too.

I've started a role-playing campaign. http://www.haszak.org/roleplaying/campaigns/breakneck/ for more details. The players are all different kinds of evil undead. What fun!

12/7/2008

I care about people. I do it because it feels good, and it feels good to know I'm one of the good guys. But at the same time, it gets me into trouble.

Sometimes helping means you need to push someone. It's tricky because maybe they don't want to face their demons. Maybe they don't want to admit they're not perfect. Or more often than I'd like, they just don't want to admit that I'm better than they are in even a single aspect. In my opinion, competitiveness is a sign of mental weakness.

I have to learn to not care about people when they're beyond my help. It's just hard to let go. Yes, I feel that I've failed them, but that's not what bothers me the most. It's being disappointed. I like to believe that everyone has the potential to lead a full life, but every disappointment erodes that belief. Until one day, I'll be just another cynical old man.

-

A big part of what makes me good at what I do is that I understand people. I know their troubles and where they're not succeeding.

I get inside people's heads. I learn to think like they do, knowing how they would decide things and why. It's a labyrinth sometimes. I get stuck in imagined situations and conversations, finding all the places where I would push them too far. The only way to escape is to realize people are not compassionate or logical. They have negative emotions which are not merely reactions to something. They're actually a real and unremovable aspect of their personality.

Low self-esteem. Fear of getting your ego wounded. Fear of getting into an uncomfortable social situation. Gloom. The emotional shield of anger.

Almost everyone I know has an unrecoverable personality defect. I think people just don't have enough life experiences. These things are like a mental cancer you develop when you're not living a joyous and humble life.

That's why I decided long ago to devote a part of my life to role-playing. It's not just a game to me. It's a way to give peoplethe experiences they need.

-

I need a problem to consume me. I need an unending supply of work. That's the only thing that makes me happy because it's the only environment that improves me. I need to be challenged and tested. I need to always fail so that I'm always driven to succeed. More often than not, I'm forced to invent this environment for myself. I always hold myself to a standard above what's expected of me. But I can't do it if there's nothing to do, and I can't do it if there's no pressing needs.

It's taken me a long time to be able to say this without being afraid that my ego was somehow contributing. I'm very intelligent, but my true gift is my wisdom. By wisdom, I mean my vision, my insight, my compassion, and my intention. I realize it's easy for anyone to assume that they are wise, which is why I've been so cautious. But the fact is, I'm a rare person. In most situations of work or responsibility, I carry the group. Somehow, I've never minded this. It's why socialism seems natural to me. I have altruism instead of laziness and jealousy. I only happened to be born with the skills to improve the world and the lives of those around me. I'm not special. My gifts don't somehow exempt me from my responsibility to serve others.

But I don't mind lazy people. I'm not offended by their low productivity because I appreciate the company. I know I'm doing all the work anyway, but why should I have to be alone?

-

Work is its own reward. I just want to know that my potential is being realized. I want to die knowing I did everything I could to improve the world. Maybe I am a socialist.

11/25/2008

I have a naughty kitten. Her name is Karma. And she likes to hang out with me when I'm at the computer. The reason I'm able to write this is because I've banished her from the office and closed the door.

-

My "chores" program is usable. I think we'll start using it officially tomorrow. I still have some functionality I'd like to add, since it only seems proper to offer it up a polished version for download.

-

People are hurting out there. Normally, I have a short list of people I help from time to time. Some more than others. And now with the economy being what it is, they're more in need than ever. And I can't help them right now. It kind of sucks.

-

I found two old fortune cookies, or rather, the paper one finds within them. I like to keep the ones I like. One says, "You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people." I would love such a position. I crave being able to help people, and often seek to smooth out problems, no matter what my position. I think I have what it takes to be a leader. I'm compassionate and know what people need. And I think I can infect people with my own guiding principles: self-improvement andcultivating professionalism. To me, professionalism is putting the companies needs above your own.

I used to carry a pocket-sized copy of the Tao te Ching with me wherever I went. Chapter 17 has been translated this way:

"When the Master governs, the people
are hardly awake that he exists.
Next best is a leader who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
The worst is one who is despised.

"If you don't trust the people,
you make them untrustworthy.

"The Master doesn't talk, he acts.
When his work is done,
the people say, "Amazing:
we did it, all by ourselves!"

That's how I think I would try to be as a manager, keeping my ego out of the way and always serving those around me.

The other fortune says, "Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome." Something to think about.

-

I've been listening to the Beatles lately. It makes me wonder what it must have been like for Yoko Ono, who had so many recording of John's voice to listen to after he died. Celebrities live the strangest lives. Everywhere she goes, she'll always be John's wife.

And I've been digging an Aboriginal singer named Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu lately. It's pretty good stuff.

11/17/2008

I've decided to spend every Sunday evening, when I can, reflecting on the week. Just to clear my head of what's on my mind.

-

I'm still out of work, and it's looking like I'll be that way for some time. Companies are stingy, thinking there's enough desperation for them to get lower rates. Thankfully, my finances will last me until next October. Let's hope the economy turns around by then.

I'm again disturbed by recruiters. Not to blame them, but I'm disturbed because I can see how so many systemic failures in our industry start with how we're hired. I've decided to start thinking about this issue more seriously. Though I put it next to another similarly impossible question. "How do you ask a question without betraying your thoughts?"

-

In the meantime, I've continued my personal projects.

I've spent the most time on my "chores" program. I've been using a spreadsheet to keep track of the chores and when they're due for quite a while now. I like doing that before I write any software because I want to prove that it's a system that works for me. I've gotten most of the functionality completed, but there's a few things I'd like to finish up before I start using it. Should be this week. I'll offer it for download when I'm done.

I chose to use PHP for the chores program. In the process, I had to learn PHP as I'd never used it before. It's rather nice. I think it's much better than it used to be. I was suspicious at first because it had added object-orientation after the fact. I can't imagine creating anything too complex without relying on more sophisticated systems, such as Java or .NET. I consider it a good teaching language to access web technologies such as HTML, CSS, or Javascript.

-

I've been enjoying hulu.com. Been playing a little Fallout 3, but I can't stay away from TF2. I like putting up my skills against real people.